Donald Trump’s restructured reality show got under way last week, which may or may not be good news. The first episode was largely tolerable, which gives it a head start on previous Apprentice installments, but there was something oddly offputting about quasi-celebs competing half-heartedly for the title of Apprentice winner. In fact, the whole ordeal was so uninspiring that it has literally taken me a week to write this recap.

Why would I waste time writing a recap for a show I think is mildly unwatchable? My pimping of the Trump’s television empire is for no other reason than to write about Stephen Baldwin. Seeing my favorite Baldwin brother on TV is like glimpsing a comet—it only comes by every so often, but every time it does, something magical happens. Many of you might remember Baldwin’s work on The Mole. I don’t. I missed The Mole because I thought that a bad show was not worth my time. I was wrong, because anything involving Stephen Baldwin is worth my time.
I’m sure that in future weeks, the posts will become more and more glowing about Baldwin, but for now, here is a decidedly un-Baldwin-biased recap of last week.

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This week’s challenge was selling hot dogs in New York City. The teams were split up into boys and girls, just like fourth grade recess.

Picking team names was an adventure if only because neither of them really makes any sense. The boys picked Team Hydra after a seven-headed mythical dog that I can only assume represents the lasting fame they all wish they had. The girls picked Impresarios, which is Spanish for “washed-up.” I’m not a fan of either, so I’m not going to refer to the teams by name from this point onward.

Omarosa set herself apart as both annoying and annoyingly cutthroat. She took it upon herself to be team leader, and directly proceeded to run her team into the ground. When it was suggested that the celebrities use their celebrity to sell hot dogs, Omaroma declined, preferring to structure the challenge on sound business principles. Perhaps she forgot that not having sound business principles is what got these celebrities here in the first place.

The guys had a far better way of doing business, by not doing business at all. During the planning phase, KISS’s Gene Simmons began calling up his friends, asking them to pay $10,000 for a hot dog. His pals actually thought this was a good offer, and several of them showed up the next day to hand over wads of cash and giant checks to Simmons and associates. Who are Simmons’ friends and where can I get me some?

The girls’ day, meanwhile, was going less lucratively. Osaroma and friends dressed in uniforms and sold hot dogs for whatever people were willing to pay. Surprisingly, no one offered $10,000. At one point, one of the older women who I don’t know and don’t care to remember dialed up a friend who ponied up five grand for a water—a water that tastes like rip off! Jennie Finch, softball star, called in a favor to David Wright who just happened to be in New York and craving a hot dog. At first, I thought he should be wearing a Mets hat or a Mets t-shirt, but then I realized that would be like a Subway employee wearing her Subway polo and plastic hair net out in public. Sadly, this was the high point of the show for me.

Back in the boardroom, the Trump revealed the final tally for each team, and Team Guys won by roughly $35,000 dollars—or three and a half hot dogs. Oramaram gave an awkward congratulations that Steven Baldwin happily accepted (note: Steven Baldwin was terrific as usual, he looks exactly like a used car salesman, which I think is a good thing). Then it was off to the catfight.

Omaroma was deliciously defiant in her accusations that Tiffany, former Playmate of the Year, could not sell a hot dog to save her life. Tiffany was not adamant about anything. O-bag got grief from the panel (made up of the Trump and his two spawn: Donald Jr. and Ivanka) for the choice of uniforms, the choice of location, and the choice of Omamosa as team captain, and Tiffany got in trouble for not selling herself well enough and wearing a shirt that had a top.

Between awkward camera shots of Tiffany’s stammering rebuttals and Donald Jr.’s staring at Tiffany like he just remembered where he saw her before, the Trump decided that Tiffany’s mistake of not selling a $100,000 hot dog to Hugh Hefner was just too much to bear. And with that, Celebrity Apprentice had its first firing.

Next week is sure to be fun because it’s not this week. In the meantime, I’ve posted odds for each remaining contestant, er, celebrity to win.

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Gene Simmons: 8:1

I’d feel better about Gene’s chances if previews for next week’s episode weren’t entirely focused on his insulting the Trump’s daughter. Come to think of it, I’d feel a lot better about next week’s episode, too.

Piers Morgan: 10:1

The British guy was surprisingly funny, especially when making fun of Omorora.

Stephen Baldwin: 10:1

He should be around right up until the end.

Nely Galan: 20:1

Those Spanish must loooove their television.

Osomoso: 25:1

They’ll probably keep her around for comic relief.

Jennie Finch: 30:1

She should do just enough not to lose for the first few weeks.

Carol Alt: 50:1

I get her and all the other old, Botoxed women on her team mixed up.

Trace Adkins: 50:1

If I listened to country music at all, I might find him a little interesting, but I doubt it.

Marilu Henner: 75:1

Who?

Vinnie Pastore: 100:1

I’m not even sure he was in this episode.

Nadia Comaneci: 100:1

I’m not sure being a former gymnast makes you a celebrity.

Tito Ortiz: 1,000:1

Now that we have the requisite Jenna Jameson sighting, there’s really not much point in having him around anymore.

Lennox Lewis: 10 billion:1

So far, Lennox does nothing but look over people’s shoulders and shadow box. I’m not even sure he speaks English.