Two years ago, I suffered through the gross injustice of weekly sabotage by my fantasy football archnemesis B Squared. He cheated and connived his way to the top of my fantasy league, siphoning points off opponents’ scores, secretly adding to his own totals when no one was looking, and stirring a superhero-like passion in me to bring him to justice. I did. He lost. End of story.

But not so fast.

It appears that the legendary evil of B Squared lives on in my latest ESPN fantasy league. Wrap your Book of Virtues around this: On Friday of last week, I found out that Chargers starting running back LaDanian Tomlinson would not play against the Ravens. Thanks to a savvy move by my fantasy team co-owner, we had Tomlinson’s backup, Darren Sproles, sitting on my bench. I moved Sproles into the starting lineup, demoted the barely ambulatory Steve Slaton to the pine, and cackled a good, hearty cackle at our foresight and attention to detail.

Then late Sunday night, I found out that Slaton was still in the starting lineup, Sproles was still on the bench, and I had lost to Texas Tornadoes by 10 points. Having Sproles in the starting lineup would have given me a five-point victory.

What gives? Why do bad things happen to good people? How can I possibly be 0-2 and stuck in a league where people actively seek out Tim Hightower in trades?

I have some theories.

1. You cannot change your lineup later than five days before the start of that week’s games. I have never heard this rule before, but I guess it is possible considering that I expressly remember changing my lineup, yet ESPN did nothing. What’s next? Setting starters for Week Five in Week Three? Actually, I should probably check my league’s bylaws on that one.
2. I am being punked. It’s not a terribly interesting or memorable punk, but it’s definitely something that Jamie Kennedy might do and then air on FOX Reality Channel.
3. It is destiny for my 2009 fantasy season to be one of horrible, bitter loss so that Mike Lupica can pen my memoirs as a prequel to Tuesdays with Morrie. So long as it ends up being a movie starring Sandra Bullock, I am okay with this.
4. There is sabotage afoot.

I’m pretty sold on No. 4 on this list. Since it has happened to me before, I am keenly aware of the signs of egregious cheating as it relates to fantasy football.

You could say that I’m an expert at this point.

And I will bring whoever it is to justice, even if it kills Steve Slaton. Oh, I hope it kills Steve Slaton.

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