I love watching football. I could sit in front of the television for days, drinking in NFL action like it was Hi-C fruit punch. I love the players, the coaches, the strategies, the plays. When football is in my life, my life is good.
So why go and ruin a good thing by adding fantasy?
Week One of the NFL season was insanely entertaining to watch, yet a pall hangs over it in the form of fantasy football giving me a giant wet willie.
Witness:
For those of you scoring at home, that’s a 25-point loss to a team that prominently features Dwayne Bowe. The only consolation to the Week One debacle was that my bench got outscored by almost 20 points, meaning there was absolutely nothing I could have done as an owner to change the outcome from Bronx Boys: Winner, BTR: Girly Loser.
Where did things go wrong? Do you really want that list? Because the list of things that went right would be significantly shorter.
Wrong: Anthony Gonzalez, Greg Olsen, Eddie Royal, Steve Slaton, and the Ravens D combining for five points. Hmm, five points. Why that’s one fewer than the Bronx Boys’ Steven Jackson recorded in a 28-0 loss to the Seahawks. Oh, and Anthony Gonzalez is out for two-to-eight weeks, whatever that means. Also, canceraids.
Right: Tom Brady’s final two minutes against Buffalo. Were it not for those two TD passes and bonus yards, my score would have been in the 40s – the low 40s.
Wrong: Seriously, Steve Slaton. Two points? Were the Texans playing the University of South Florida and nobody told me?
Right: Cedric Benson’s 16 points. The Cincy RB had 800 percent more points than Steve Slaton.
Wrong: Panicking and signing Earl Bennett. Yes, this had nothing to do with getting blown out in Week One … or did it have everything to do with getting blown out in Week One? Seeing that Bennett had a decent first game and that he and Jay Cutler apparently have some sort of history (I no longer know if history is a good thing to have with Cutler or not), I picked up Bennett off the free agent heap, dropping San Diego WR Legedu Naanee in the process. Of note: Naanee led my team in WR scoring from the bench. I have not yet told my co-owner that I made this move, so if we can all keep this quiet, that would really help me.
Right: Having the foresight to draft Darren Sproles. This would be my co-owner’s foresight, actually. My foresight led us into the alligator arms of Torry Holt.
Wrong: Steve Slaton, don’t make me handicap myself with Chris Brown.
Right: Next week’s matchup. I am playing Texas Tornadoes, who are presently starting Empty at their flex position. As such, I’m favored by 10. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Wrong: Steve Slaton! /shaking fist at sky
