Fantasy Football

Bring on B Squared

The fantasy matchup to end all fantasy matchups almost didn’t happen.

For the whole year, the two best teams in my league have been B Squared and myself. Regular readers of this website as well as anyone who has seen my most recent temporary tattoo know that the Squares and I are mortal enemies. He of the cheating and philandering has done everything in his power, including but not limited to cheating and philandering, to get to the top. I have done some of the things in my power, including but not limited to collecting members of the New England Patriots for purely superficial reasons, to get to the top.
Naturally, a battle between the two of us was inevitable. And even more naturally, it took a good dose of cheating on B Squared’s part to get it done.

That’s right. I surprisingly held up my end of the bargain by destroying my opponent in the semifinals in ways that I will gladly discuss at length toward the end of this story. The Squares was the one who almost blew it.

BB took a good-sized lead after the first week (our playoff rounds last two weeks apiece), so it was fair to assume that there would be more of the same one week later. Things couldn’t have been further from the truth.

Tom Brady, on whose coattails B2 had ridden all year long, chose the perfect week to not throw a touchdown pass. He started Warrick Dunn who thanked him with one fantasy point. The normally dependable T.J. Houshmandzadeh failed to reach the end zone, and Plaxico Burress and Chris Cooley didn’t do a whole lot.

Meanwhile, his opponent was tearing things up with steady performances from Matt Hasselbeck, Earnest Graham and Brian Westbrook. No one on his team scored more than 20 points, but more than half reached double figures.

At the end of Sunday night’s games, B Squared was trailing by nearly 10 points. And then the cheating started.

Later on that evening, I checked the scores again just to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming some super, fantastic, happy dream where B Squared was losing. Thankfully, the Squares were still behind, except that the margin had shrunk.

Now, I’m no fantasy football expert, but I thought that it was impossible to score points when no one is playing. With the Giants-Redskins game over hours earlier, I’m not sure where his extra four points came from.

Was he getting points for NFL Replay on the NFL Network? Was he getting points for Plaxico Burress making it rain at a New York Sbarro? Did he have incriminating photos of Matthew Berry handicapping an US Weekly celebrity draft?

Well, the extra points helped because he needed far less from the Vikings defense—his only remaining player—in Monday night’s game. And far less is exactly what they gave him. Letting the Bears beat themselves was good for seven points, which gave B.S. a two-point win.

The only joy I could take from B Squared’s escape was my own sheer dominance over my semifinal opponent. The final score was more one-sided than my eighth-grade haircut. I scored over 100 points more than the Big Dawgs, and I nearly doubled their final score. That’s what they get for having an unoriginal team name and for thinking that misspelling is a substitute for cleverness.

My dominance was so complete that the outcome was virtually decided before Week 15 games were even played. Nevertheless, Drew Brees and company still managed to pile it on with a flurry of points and touchdowns. I felt like the Patriots making a statement for no other reason than that making a statement is cool.

If nothing else, at least B Squared knows I’m coming for him. If the two of us would have been matched up the past two weeks, no amount of cheating or fuzzy math could have saved him. I would have destroyed him in a way that he has not been destroyed yet this year.

Make no mistake, when we meet on the fictional field this week, it will be a full on war. And I mean war in the sense that I will be playing fair and he will be cheating. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

© 2007 KevanLee.com.