Fantasy Football
Fantasy Report: Wanna Trade?
Desperate for a way to rebuild my fledgling fantasy team, I was willing to try almost anything.
I thought long and hard about signing any number of Houston Texans. I actively looked on the waiver wire for Green Bay running backs. And I did some digging into just how hard it would be to learn high-tech computer hacking in 10 days or less.
But my most plausible quick fix was going to be a blockbuster trade.
Granted, my league had completed exactly one trade through the first three months of the year: my acquiring Matt Leinart for Michael Turner . Obviously, this trade worked out for neither of us.Since then, all my trade requests had been rebuffed, and most of them weren’t even that outlandish. I understand no one wanting to swap T.O. for Dwayne Bowe, but where’s the harm in a simple Carson Palmer for Drew Brees switcheroo? My fellow league members are lame, B Squared especially.
He is the worst kind of owner—lucky enough to have big talent at certain positions, but stingy enough to keep it all to himself. He starts Tom Brady every week, while Tony Romo sits on the bench. Tony Romo! He is earning more points for B Squared’s bench than Chad Pennington, Leinart, and Jeff Garcia earned for me all year. And yet, when approached for a trade, my Squared enemy smugly declined, refusing to so much as acknowledge my request. Julius Jones tends to have that effect on people.
Nevertheless, with only two weeks remaining in my league’s regular season, I knew that trading was going to give me the best shot to win. However, sensing my awesome strategy and keeping to a strict modus operandi of screwing me over that it adopted at the autopick draft, ESPN Fantasy intervened.
The trade deadline was tomorrow morning.
I had several problems with this. First and foremost…a trade deadline?!?! That would have been nice to know about before I hinged my entire season on changes I needed to make over the final few weeks. And in 12 hours?!?! I don’t do anything productive in 12 hours or less. It’s taken me a good day and a half to write this much of this story.
I was looking forward to taking the next few days to assess my team, study end-of-year schedules, and plan for the greatest fantasy postseason ever. I can’t do all that in 36 hours. I couldn’t even do that in the 11 weeks of football I’ve already been given.
Of course, I guess if I knew it was my only chance, then I could throw together a quick make-or-break plan off the top of my head.
Team performance? Tepid!
Drew Brees? Sham!
B Squared? Cheater!
Starting three wide receivers? Inevitable!
Kicker as highest-scoring player? Been there, done that!
I need a dependable quarterback, a healthy running back, wide receivers with NFL experience, a defense that doesn’t give up 34 points to the Broncos, and a giant head start over whoever I’m playing in Week 15. Does anyone want Brandon Jacobs?
The worst part of all is that my fellow league members are devastatingly slow on responding to trade requests. So even if I did come up with the perfect trade package, no one would get back to me until the Pro Bowl. Wait, do Pro Bowl points count toward weekly totals?
Of course, maybe it’s for the best. I have had a good year with the less-than-good roster I was given, so maybe it will be good enough to get me by in the playoffs.
Ah, who am I kidding? Will someone please take Calvin Johnson off my hands in the next eight hours?
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