Nevertheless, I want to succeed, and until I discover that success in MLS fantasy soccer is impossible (read: Tuesday), I am going to do everything I can to be the best MLS fantasy player there is. Or, at least, the 3,311th best.

In order to do so, I am going to have to cut out some decidedly inopportune strategic mistakes ranging from starting non-starters to not knowing the names of everyone on my team. The process will not be easy or fun or particularly rewarding, but I am starting to believe that MLS fantasy soccer is not supposed to be any of those things. Ideally, it is supposed to be annoying, fruitless, and unimportant.

Starting this week, my plan to not suck as much officially gets underway. The first phase of Operation: Shin Guard is to have a starting line-up full of starters. Like in most other fantasy sports, I can only gain points if my players end up playing. Why I thought fantasy soccer operated under different rules is entirely beyond me.

Last week, I had the misfortune of having two players riding the pine. This fact, unbeknownst to me, significantly affected my point output for the week, considering riding the pine—no matter how successfully ridden—does not earn any points.

Stuart Holden was one such benchee. The Houston Dynamo midfielder sat out Sunday’s match, during which his teammates managed to score three goals. Had Holden been participating in the affair, I might not be wallowing in the 3,000s but rather sitting comfortably in the high 2800s.

Jozy Altidore was the other non-participant. His status as one of the league’s rising young stars was rather moot considering his sojourn on the sideline. While his fellow Red Bulls were shutting out the Columbus Crew, Altidore was shutting out my effort to appear competitive in the standings.

This week, things will be different. I have scoured news wires and team fansites for the latest news on my team. I have learned more than I ever wanted to learn about particular players, information I am sure will never be helpful at any other point in my life except for right now.

So, hopefully, next week when I check in on my fantasy squad, I’ll find the standings to be more in my favor. I’ve put in the hard work, dedication, and shortcuts necessary to make a significant jump in the league.

I may not understand the art of MLS fantasy soccer, but I certainly have a better grasp than the 3,313th-place guy.

This post was written while listening to Beloved.