But not so fast.

It appears that the legendary evil of B Squared lives on in my latest ESPN fantasy league. Wrap your Book of Virtues around this: On Friday of last week, I found out that Chargers starting running back LaDanian Tomlinson would not play against the Ravens. Thanks to a savvy move by my fantasy team co-owner, we had Tomlinson’s backup, Darren Sproles, sitting on my bench. I moved Sproles into the starting lineup, demoted the barely ambulatory Steve Slaton to the pine, and cackled a good, hearty cackle at our foresight and attention to detail.

Then late Sunday night, I found out that Slaton was still in the starting lineup, Sproles was still on the bench, and I had lost to Texas Tornadoes by 10 points. Having Sproles in the starting lineup would have given me a five-point victory.

What gives? Why do bad things happen to good people? How can I possibly be 0-2 and stuck in a league where people actively seek out Tim Hightower in trades?

I have some theories.

1. You cannot change your lineup later than five days before the start of that week’s games. I have never heard this rule before, but I guess it is possible considering that I expressly remember changing my lineup, yet ESPN did nothing. What’s next? Setting starters for Week Five in Week Three? Actually, I should probably check my league’s bylaws on that one.
2. I am being punked. It’s not a terribly interesting or memorable punk, but it’s definitely something that Jamie Kennedy might do and then air on FOX Reality Channel.
3. It is destiny for my 2009 fantasy season to be one of horrible, bitter loss so that Mike Lupica can pen my memoirs as a prequel to Tuesdays with Morrie. So long as it ends up being a movie starring Sandra Bullock, I am okay with this.
4. There is sabotage afoot.

I’m pretty sold on No. 4 on this list. Since it has happened to me before, I am keenly aware of the signs of egregious cheating as it relates to fantasy football.

You could say that I’m an expert at this point.

And I will bring whoever it is to justice, even if it kills Steve Slaton. Oh, I hope it kills Steve Slaton.

So why go and ruin a good thing by adding fantasy?

Week One of the NFL season was insanely entertaining to watch, yet a pall hangs over it in the form of fantasy football giving me a giant wet willie.

Witness:

For those of you scoring at home, that’s a 25-point loss to a team that prominently features Dwayne Bowe. The only consolation to the Week One debacle was that my bench got outscored by almost 20 points, meaning  there was absolutely nothing I could have done as an owner to change the outcome from Bronx Boys: Winner, BTR: Girly Loser.

Where did things go wrong? Do you really want that list? Because the list of things that went right would be significantly shorter.

Wrong: Anthony Gonzalez, Greg Olsen, Eddie Royal, Steve Slaton, and the Ravens D combining for five points. Hmm, five points. Why that’s one fewer than the Bronx Boys’ Steven Jackson recorded in a 28-0 loss to the Seahawks. Oh, and Anthony Gonzalez is out for two-to-eight weeks, whatever that means. Also, canceraids.

Right: Tom Brady’s final two minutes against Buffalo. Were it not for those two TD passes and bonus yards, my score would have been in the 40s – the low 40s.

Wrong: Seriously, Steve Slaton. Two points? Were the Texans playing the University of South Florida and nobody told me?

Right: Cedric Benson’s 16 points. The Cincy RB had 800 percent more points than Steve Slaton.

Wrong: Panicking and signing Earl Bennett. Yes, this had nothing to do with getting blown out in Week One … or did it have everything to do with getting blown out in Week One? Seeing that Bennett had a decent first game and that he and Jay Cutler apparently have some sort of history (I no longer know if history is a good thing to have with Cutler or not), I picked up Bennett off the free agent heap, dropping San Diego WR Legedu Naanee in the process. Of note: Naanee led my team in WR scoring from the bench. I have not yet told my co-owner that I made this move, so if we can all keep this quiet, that would really help me.

Right: Having the foresight to draft Darren Sproles. This would be my co-owner’s foresight, actually. My foresight led us into the alligator arms of Torry Holt.

Wrong: Steve Slaton, don’t make me handicap myself with Chris Brown.

Right: Next week’s matchup. I am playing Texas Tornadoes, who are presently starting Empty at their flex position. As such, I’m favored by 10. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Wrong: Steve Slaton! /shaking fist at sky