Fantasy Football

I’m with stupid

Fantasy sports have a way of bringing out the idiot in all of us, and yet we always come back for more.  Kind of like marriage.  Or American Idol.  

This week’s idiot search found a familiar spot with my roster—so familiar in fact, that it keeps a toothbrush and change of clothes here.  My poor decision-making necessitated its visit this week, but my lack of judgment and non-existent foresight keep it coming back again and again. 

Its visit was entirely deserved.  After rolling over my opponent in Week One (thank you, Andre Johnson!), I was feeling very confident.  My players were not disappointing as much as I had expected, and points were rolling in as if there was some major clerical error at ESPN.com.  The question for Week Two wasn’t whether I was going to win, but rather how big I was going to win. 

In my lust for fantasy points, I eschewed the relative safety of the Eagles defense for what I considered to be a slam dunk.  The Cincinnati Bengals D had a stellar first week, recording turnovers and sacks and holding the Ravens in check.  They looked like a unit on the rise and nothing like the sieve of a year ago.  Plus, they had the Browns on the schedule in Week Two, and no team looked offensively worse than Cleveland. 

How could this go wrong?  As you know, there were 51 very good reasons this went wrong. 

The Browns performed an offensive clinic against the Bengals.  Derek Anderson threw for five touchdowns.  Jamal Lewis rushed for over 200 yards.  The Bengals scored 45 points and still lost.  The Cincinnati defense was the single worst fantasy performer of Week Two, and I had them on my team.  What’s worse is that I wanted them on my team. 

As the scores were coming in for the afternoon games, I reluctantly checked my fantasy scoreboard.  The Bengals had “earned” me negative eight points, which equaled the deficit I was facing against my Week Two opponent.  That’s right, the Bengals defense was infintely worse than no defense at all (which I believe is what they ran a majority of the time in the third quarter). 

Idiocy, it seemed, had doomed me. 

However, upon closer inspection of my opponent’s roster, it appeared that idiocy was contagious.  My opponent made the bewildering choice of starting Kansas City backup running back Michael Bennett against the Bears, and Bennett was rewarding him with one point.  Had Bennett done more than fall forward a few times, this matchup would have been sealed.  As it were, I still had a chance.

Naturally, my chance rested in the cruel hands of fate.  I had one player still to play on Monday night (my opponent: none), and it was Clinton Portis.  As it goes, Portis was facing the Eagles defense, the very one that I benched in favor of Cincinnati’s colander of points.  You could cut the justice with a knife. 

The Eagles were destined to shut down the Washington offense, score off turnovers, and hold Portis in check.  Only, it didn’t happen.

Instead, Portis found a way to rush for 69 yards and a touchdown in a Redskins’ win, giving me more than the five points I needed for the win.

Just like that I was off the hook.  Starting the Bengals defense was the worst possible thing I could have done for my team, and when all was said and done, it didn’t matter.  My questionable (to put it nicely) choice should have had unspeakable consequences, but instead, I move on to Week Three as if nothing had happened.

I wish all my stupid decisions ended this way.

© 2007 KevanLee.com.