NFL

Week Nine Picks

I don’t pick NFL games very well.

I pick NFL games extremely well.

Last week, I nailed every single one of my choices, going a perfect 12-0.  My streak was remarkable, considering I made most of my picks in a Starbucks listening to some sort of loud indie pop and wondering why the guy across the room was staring at me.

Not only did I get all 12 winners right, I also nailed several clairvoyant predictions.  

• “Chad Pennington goes one step closer to the bench.”  Assuming he was only one step away from the bench, I got this one exactly right.

• “Tom Brady rushes for five touchdowns.”  He actually rushed for two, proving my ability of accuracy and hyperbole.

• “Sage Rosenfels’ fourth quarter magic eludes him.”  True.

• “Brett Favre (throws) the game-winning TD pass.”  Exactly true.

Here are some perfect picks from the week to come: 

Tennessee 16, Carolina 13
The Titans win on a last-second field goal by Rob Bironas, who took over at quarterback for the final drive due to the ineffective quarterback play of Vince Young, Kerry Collins, Steve McNair via time machine, LenDale White, and Jeff Fisher.

Tampa Bay 24,

Arizona 7
Jeff Garcia’s three touchdowns lead the Bucs over the Cardinals, who could not overcome Kurt Warner’s five fumble and Matt Leinart’s embarrassing halftime performance in which he looked bloated and disinterested while trying to throw a football through a giant Coca-Cola can.  He and Britney Spears are sighted together after the game.

Washington 52, New York Jets 7
The Redskins, angry after last week’s loss to the Patriots, rout the Jets, adding insult to injury with two touchdowns in the final two minutes.  “Do unto others,” Redskins coach Joe Gibbs said after the game.

New Orleans 24, Jacksonville 20
Fans shirk their paper bag get-ups for Drew Brees fake moles as a record crowd watches the resurgent Saints sneak by the Jaguars.  Quinn Gray hopes someone in Jacksonville remembers his name.

San Diego 42, Minnesota 13
Tarvaris Jackson’s return to the starting lineup receives a round of applause…by the Chargers defensive front seven.  Shawne Merriman has 8 sacks, a forced fumble, and a better quarterback rating than Jackson.

Atlanta 8, San Francisco 4
The Falcons and 49ers set an NFL record by combining for six safeties and zero offensive yards.

Packers 17, Chiefs 10
Unable to decide between using Larry Johnson and Priest Holmes on a fourth-and-one in the fourth quarter, Herm Edwards lines up Brodie Croyle at tailback.  He loses three yards by tripping over his own feet, and the Chiefs lose.

Denver 20, Detroit 13
John Lynch out-prays Jon Kitna.

Cincinnati 45, Buffalo 24
After the Bengals offense explodes in a rout of the Bills, Chris Henry buys alcohol for underage kids to celebrate, reasoning that the team doesn’t need him back for a couple more weeks anyway.

Seattle 24, Cleveland 23
Determined to make a point about his running game, Mike Holmgren calls nothing but stretch plays all game, resulting in Shaun Alexander’s 86 yards on 93 carries.  The Seahawks win on three defensive touchdowns.

Oakland 3, Houston 0
No one knows how the Raiders won because everyone was watching the Patriots-Colts game.

Dallas 30, Philadelphia 29
In a desperate fathering effort, Andy Reid brings his sons to work and lets them call all the plays.  A failed two-point conversion in the game’s final minutes costs the Eagles a victory.  Garrett Reid is criticized immediately after for the double-reverse-flea-flicker-statue-of-liberty-halfback-pass-dive that he called.

Steelers 20, Ravens 10
Steve McNair’s return to the starting lineup actually makes Kyle Boller look good.  Brian Billick weeps softly on the sideline. 

Last week: 12-0
Season: 75-40

© 2007 KevanLee.com.